Mom didn’t really teach me that much

Today is father’s day and my boys gave their dad this card

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Notice the very last sentence – mom didn’t really teach me all that much – 🙂  yes I know it’s funny, but it did get me thinking….

When I started blogging I always thought I had so much to say or write about. The boys were at a school going age and growing up faster than bamboo shoots on steroids.

But then they left school and it was first day of varsity and I blogged about that and about letting go. And then it felt like parenting was over.

It was an emotional time seeing them in university and trying this new thing called “letting go” and I was actually quiet about the boys for a long time, at least on the blog.

They are adults, one will be 23 in a few months’ time and the other one will be 22 at the end of the year!  So apart from graduation day, what else have I got to look forward to? What else have I got to say about being a mom?  Oh yes, the wedding day….but they both say they are not getting married, so let’s skip that thought for now.

It’s like parenting is really over, done and dusted. We finished our task, or is it really? Parenting grownups, when does it stop and when does the worrying stop?

My almost 23-year-old, is studying in Cape Town so he only comes home for the long holidays of course I worry about him all the time, what he’s eating, how late he eats and how late he goes to bed, how he separates his washing etc.

But it’s the small one, the one that lives at home, that worries me the most.  He gets frustrated with me and my constant messaging, but I just like to know when he arrives somewhere and when he’s leaving so I know he’s safe. I have this need to check up on him all the time.

I think adult children still need that ceaseless looking after.  But I am beginning to see my children in a new way; they are good capable young people. I have to recognise their differences and respect that, they have grown into two very different individuals.

I try to share some of my wisdom, if you can call it that, don’t even know if they see it as wisdom or advice or things I know or just ‘stuff she says’.

Whatever their age I still feel I need to worry, I need to talk and I need to pray. I don’t think this is a mother of sons’ syndrome it’s just normal mother behavior. In learning to let go I have to learn to surrender them to God. It’s not really up to me anymore, and this is so hard for me to say and admit.

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Mark 10:27

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Because now is all we have

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You know today was one of those miserable days I just wanted to escape.

I woke not feeling too good, what I though was just hay fever or something I could treat in the weekend with loads of natural vitamin C at home didn’t really work. So I woke up with a heavy chest, sore and extra croaky voice. It’s kind of sexy, sort of like Demi Moore’s voice expect that runny nose ruins all the sexiness….

Last week a work colleague lost his wife, she died suddenly of an aneurysm leaving him behind and two very tiny little boys, a three-year old and six month old. Her funeral was on Friday.

In the weekend I watched this colleague post things on face book like ….Heaven must be really beautiful right now, since they got you

Then he posted …It isn’t easy !!!!! (and he tagged her)

Today he posts a picture of himself and his boys, today was the baby’s first day at nursery school and he tagged his wife

Somehow right below his FB post was this post from a page I like – Prince Harry page – it’s just a page with loads of royal stuff and pics which I really enjoy looking through…. today they decided to post this

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I love this song and listened to it today and of course the tears flowed….

A few months ago it was a young friend from art class. She was pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl at only 28 weeks. She never got to know her daughter because she died a few days later and that baby girl will grow up never knowing her mommy 😦

What do we live for? For missing someone? For our wealth or health? For our dreams? What are your dreams and what do you live for?

When was the last time you weren’t too busy to phone an old friend and to listen instead of talking? When was the last time you asked someone how was work, how was their day? We are so consumed with being busy we forget to say “I love you” when that should be the top and most important item on our to-do-list. Like hugging someone or giving them flowers.

We all claim that life is short, that our children grow up too quickly and that time flies by too soon. But we only really think about life is short when something tragic happens. Stop! Pray everyday for yourself and those around you, find God. Live life with all your strength and passion now, don’t save it for the holiday or for another day. While that little flame is burning, fan it. Be bold about it, love boldly and laugh shamelessly. Because now is all we have. Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. ♥

The story of me

When you run a race there’s always a medal at the end, even if it is a bad-looking medal, you still get to take something home. Something that you can show your family and friends.

I have a few of those medals, I did a few small races and I have saved my medals. They are not on display but they haven’t been abandoned in the garage either. I have them hanging over my easel in my art room. So it’s quite a special spot with some honor given to them.

Those races were hard for me! Extremely hard, I completed them with huge effort, lots of sweat and some pain. The pictures of me when I completed those races are so horrible to look at…sweating, red face, dry lips, exhausted eyes. But the accomplishment of completing them is something not captured and seen.

And so it is the same with the story of me and my lines. There’s a beautiful Instagram account LoveYourLines which was started by two moms, about self-love and accepting your body and all the stretch marks, this page was started late last year and they have thousands of followers. There is no place for shyness here although some pics are anonymous. I’m in awe of every single picture that is posted, such brave women, exposing everything.

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I have hated my body and lines for so long I can’t even remember when it first started.

It was this IG page that made me look at my lines in a different way.

It was the struggle of my friend to fall pregnant that has made me think of my story.

The story of me has two children in it. When my first son was just nine months old I had the second one on his way. I have lines and stretch marks on my legs and bottom and my breasts too, they are my medals. Of course these medals are not on display and I have hated them so many times.  But I know at least two people who would kill to have those stretch marks and lines, they would do anything for those medals after the nine month race, and they would love every single line…

I can’t walk around showing them off but have decided to let go of my negativity even if only for this post, I decided to let go and share this, two photos of the story of me. My lines, because they are my reward and medals for my sons. They are a part of me and I love my lines.

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Maybe yes

This is a beautiful poem and I think it is so applicable to all of us in some way. For me sometimes it’s the fear of trying something new of moving on from an old familiar place or just speaking my mind. Letting go of old feelings and things like that…so this poem is for me

Maybe Not   (by Dana Faulds)

Begin somewhere.

Take one deep breath and dive.

Plunge into the core of your most persistent fear, or your greatest joy.

Grow comfortable with the act of exploration.

Well, maybe not comfortable, but confident of your ability to be sure-footed on slick rocks, steady while the winds gust.

Well, maybe not entirely confident, but willing to set out despite persistent doubts, breathing your way into whatever you are facing.

Well, maybe not even all that willing, but you take it anyway, that first step into the unknown.

Courage is starting where there is no secure outcome, no sure result. The secret is you can begin again any time.

Take one deep breath,

and dive!

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Whatever you are struggling with maybe this is worth reading over and over so that you can feel a little bit of comfortable, confident courage to take one deep breath and just dive in! I wish you would, I wish you even more luck if you do ♥

One of my greatest fears

Writers Bootcamp – Day 3 @Writersbootcmp

How can I choose one fear and make it my greatest fear? I’m terrified of many things from the small creatures like spiders and cockroaches to the largest, fear of height and enclosed small spaces to the worst one which in my case is death. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of cancer. I’m scared of getting cancer and dying from it. I’m scared of crime; of being hijacked again, and more insane and violent crimes that we read about in the paper everyday.

From that list which could go on for a while longer, my greatest fear is loss and loneliness! Losing my sons and losing my bear (a.k.a. hubby). I am scared of being alone. I enjoy being alone actually, I love ME time, and I love that awkward silence, just plain silence. It’s great to have a day or more where I can stay home alone and just do my thing, and many times when that has happened not even the TV is on. It’s dead quiet at home and all I can hear are the normal neighborhood sounds…a car, a dog barking in the distance the birds…and that is perfect.

But what if that is all I had? My greatest fear is that I might lose my bear and be left here alone. I mean we fight so many times, and so many times I think I can silently smuggle him under the pillows but to be without him permanently!! I just can’t imagine my life, and my whole existence. It’s sad enough that every Sabbath I’m in church alone and he’s not there next to me.

How do you eat alone for the rest of your life?

How do you go to sleep alone for the rest of your life?

How do you carry on alone when your partner has been with you for so long and you feel like you are ONE.

I don’t like to think about that, it’s what nightmares of made of, this is my greatest fear.