One of my greatest fears

Writers Bootcamp – Day 3 @Writersbootcmp

How can I choose one fear and make it my greatest fear? I’m terrified of many things from the small creatures like spiders and cockroaches to the largest, fear of height and enclosed small spaces to the worst one which in my case is death. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of cancer. I’m scared of getting cancer and dying from it. I’m scared of crime; of being hijacked again, and more insane and violent crimes that we read about in the paper everyday.

From that list which could go on for a while longer, my greatest fear is loss and loneliness! Losing my sons and losing my bear (a.k.a. hubby). I am scared of being alone. I enjoy being alone actually, I love ME time, and I love that awkward silence, just plain silence. It’s great to have a day or more where I can stay home alone and just do my thing, and many times when that has happened not even the TV is on. It’s dead quiet at home and all I can hear are the normal neighborhood sounds…a car, a dog barking in the distance the birds…and that is perfect.

But what if that is all I had? My greatest fear is that I might lose my bear and be left here alone. I mean we fight so many times, and so many times I think I can silently smuggle him under the pillows but to be without him permanently!! I just can’t imagine my life, and my whole existence. It’s sad enough that every Sabbath I’m in church alone and he’s not there next to me.

How do you eat alone for the rest of your life?

How do you go to sleep alone for the rest of your life?

How do you carry on alone when your partner has been with you for so long and you feel like you are ONE.

I don’t like to think about that, it’s what nightmares of made of, this is my greatest fear.



Breathe and sigh

10299532_10152364643614350_776736122370803520_nTwo weeks in a row I almost stayed in bed. Just wasn’t feeling up to people, talking and things…

But you know I’m so glad now that I did get up and get out, two Sabbaths filled with abundant blessings. I’m in awe of how some things just fall in place, the people who touch you, the music and the morning’s sermon. It is not coincidence it’s all too perfect to be coincidence.

When your spirit is down and you feel like giving up and like you are so far away from Him. He sends His soft touch in different ways. I am so grateful that I did get up and go to church it is there in some quiet place or moment that God chose to touch me. These verses really awakened something these past two weeks

He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Psalm 147:4

For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him. Psalm 103:11

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King and my God, for to You I will pray. Psalm 5:1-2

Sitting on the outside looking in; this is what I heard and what has touched me. I am glad I did go to church, it was good for the soul and I am happy and at peace. It is here that I can press the panic button, and someone is right at my side. I breathe a sigh of relief and am so grateful for some privileges.

Hope you’ve had a Blessed Sabbath too ♥

Hide and seek

flawsIt has been ages since my last blog! I don’t even know why?

A lot has happened in that time; and at the same I can say nothing much has happened. I have been busy and extremely lazy.

I think it’s the whole season change, makes me want to hibernate. I love to live in slippers and PJ’s and have been wearing flat shoes and jeans to work on most days. I’m sure people are talking about what I’m wearing. I’m not the smart office dresser but do usually put more effort into the whole ME look. Lately, washed hair and jeans is just enough.

Unmotivated, grumpy, and even hating work or feeling very un-loyal (I’ve always been the very loyal type) so this feeling is kind of new. Thinking about my flaws…..

My kids sometimes say things that bother or worry me, like;

  • “I hate people”
  • “Many things bother me, 7,021,836,029 things to be exact, which coincidently is Earth’s Human Population”
  • “Why must there be so many people on this planet, I hate people”

These pasts few days, weeks, maybe month I have been feeling exactly the same. Ugh! That’s terrible. Also my old negative feelings, and I just can’t blog when I’m feeling that way. Another ugh!

Anyway, its winter, time to hibernate. Hair is static again! Drinking loads of hot chocolate, nice and fattening! Got a new phone and that process nearly had me pulling my hair out. Supermoon was here and that must have had some crazy effect on people and their moods.

Finished a beautiful painting (not hibernating in art) and paid varsity fees for two students. Can’t believe I have two boys in varsity. I’m sure that is part of my whole sad mood. My bear bought a bike, I call it his middle age crises, he says its to save on petrol.

And I’m watching and waiting with the rest of the world I guess on the Mandela story.

I’m back, I’m blogging again.

Have I been a good friend?

After a storm there is always a rainbow. In the darkness there is always a shiny star. The sun always rises to bring you light and warmth.

Last couple of weeks have been awful. I was feeling and behaving dreadfully. Mopping around, moody, miserable and sad.

Three people in my life were like the shining star, warm sunshine and happy rainbow. They looked after me, and all the time I was an unpleasant person to be around; I know I behaved badly. I was the bad friend.

So this is for you three ladies – you know who you are and if you don’t….well I will send you something 🙂

Thank you

For being there even if silent

For listening and saying nothing

For watching my destructive attitude and for being kind

For your guidance, warm hugs and support

For being loyal, my confidant and trying your best to cheer me up

For listening to my childish gripes and letting me share what was in my heart

For being genuinely happy for me when I got back to my normal self

♥ ♥ ♥

I’m sorry if I was a bad friend at that bad time or any time, you don’t deserve that. Sending Blessings and Love your way

May your day be filled with blessings Like the sun lights the sky  And may you always have the courage  To spread your wings and fly

May your day be filled with blessings
Like the sun lights the sky
And may you always have the courage
To spread your wings and fly

…write no evil

Speak no evil. hear No evil. Look no evilWhere have I been these past few weeks?

I don’t actually know!

I have not blogged in what feels like ages. Is it writers block 😀 or am I just out of ideas and stuff to say?

I blog about the boys, my art, family, heartaches, happy moments, holidays, my photographer and God. Sometimes I blog about the few recipes that work out and recently my running. None of that has stopped it’s all still going on, I’m thinking of the next race, I’m busy with a painting that is taking long, the boys and my photographer are still making me happy or making me cry. I made chocolate cake the other day, maybe I should share my secret recipe…but Moo thinks it should stay a secret and stay in the family 🙂

I never blog when I’m angry, disappointed or had a fight with someone close. Not sure why, it’s hard to bare that side of my soul and to share what I’m feeling and thinking at a time like that.

I have been busy, feeling lazy and tired. The ideas and half posts and blogs are sitting somewhere in little notes or deep inside. I’m sure it will all come out again, soon.

Sorry for the silence. For now it’s – hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil and write no evil