The eve of the night before your first day at work

I gulped and felt my heart beating in my throat when I took this pic of you….we have a photo on these stairs, the two of us, on the day we left you here, it is one of my favourite photos.

I remember the trip we made in February 2012 and how hard it was to let go. I didn’t want to leave you here alone. I left a young enthusiastic boy and I came back to fetch a young man, full circle for the two of us.

You grew up, you struggled, you became independent, and it all happened so fast for me. I’ve been thinking over the years and more so these lasts few weeks, did I really do a good job as a mom?  Will you remember that I tried my best, even when I was tired exhausted, and stressed and sick, I still tried my best. I prayed sometimes and sometimes I forgot to pray, but I hope you will know that I had every intention of being a good and great mommy.  Although I do know that sometimes I wasn’t so great and I was just an OK mom.

Today is the eve of the night before your first day at work! You have finished your studies and I guess it’s time to adult, I hope you’re ready because I’m certainly not and I don’t have any wise words to pass on to you (sorry). All the milestones and special events of your life that I counted and recorded and photographed have come to an end. Leaps and bounds and so the next ones will be in years to come.

For now let me say that I am so very proud of you. I wish you the best of luck my son, may you be successful and happy in your career and in everything you do

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Your favourite bible verse became my favourite bible verse, guard it close to your heart.

Love MA ♥

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Mom didn’t really teach me that much

Today is father’s day and my boys gave their dad this card

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Notice the very last sentence – mom didn’t really teach me all that much – 🙂  yes I know it’s funny, but it did get me thinking….

When I started blogging I always thought I had so much to say or write about. The boys were at a school going age and growing up faster than bamboo shoots on steroids.

But then they left school and it was first day of varsity and I blogged about that and about letting go. And then it felt like parenting was over.

It was an emotional time seeing them in university and trying this new thing called “letting go” and I was actually quiet about the boys for a long time, at least on the blog.

They are adults, one will be 23 in a few months’ time and the other one will be 22 at the end of the year!  So apart from graduation day, what else have I got to look forward to? What else have I got to say about being a mom?  Oh yes, the wedding day….but they both say they are not getting married, so let’s skip that thought for now.

It’s like parenting is really over, done and dusted. We finished our task, or is it really? Parenting grownups, when does it stop and when does the worrying stop?

My almost 23-year-old, is studying in Cape Town so he only comes home for the long holidays of course I worry about him all the time, what he’s eating, how late he eats and how late he goes to bed, how he separates his washing etc.

But it’s the small one, the one that lives at home, that worries me the most.  He gets frustrated with me and my constant messaging, but I just like to know when he arrives somewhere and when he’s leaving so I know he’s safe. I have this need to check up on him all the time.

I think adult children still need that ceaseless looking after.  But I am beginning to see my children in a new way; they are good capable young people. I have to recognise their differences and respect that, they have grown into two very different individuals.

I try to share some of my wisdom, if you can call it that, don’t even know if they see it as wisdom or advice or things I know or just ‘stuff she says’.

Whatever their age I still feel I need to worry, I need to talk and I need to pray. I don’t think this is a mother of sons’ syndrome it’s just normal mother behavior. In learning to let go I have to learn to surrender them to God. It’s not really up to me anymore, and this is so hard for me to say and admit.

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Mark 10:27

I’m a peacock mom

Moo has the funniest sense of humour! His mother is a real mother hen and over protective *rolling my eyes*. The other day we had this cell phone ‘conversation’ over something he wants me to buy for him. This is how it started….

moo

I then told him; ‘Peacocks don’t really fly, they sort of just fly (jump) a very short distance to the top of a tree and then it’s over!! Choose another bird’

The next morning he sent me this link –

I’m a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV6539XsWrc&feature=youtu.be

That’s how most of our conversations go 😀

and I just LOVE it!

Letting go…

Life along the Great Barrier Reef is full of dangers when you’re a tiny clown fish. And for Marlin, a single parent determined to protect his only son, Nemo, there are constant fears and anxieties. When it comes time for Nemo to leave the protective shelter of his sea anemone home for the first day of school, Marlin nervously accompanies him and agonizes over his every move. When Nemo defies his father and swims beyond the reef’s awesome “drop off” to investigate a boat, he is suddenly scooped up by a diver as Marlin helplessly watches.

That’s the beautiful story and adventure of Nemo, after many scary moments and crazy adventures he is finally united with his dad Marlin.

Ok so now let’s go to my story ….

On Friday I left my son alone at Wits for his first day of orientation. Now last year more or less this time I went through the same experience when we left Moo in Cape Town.

Not only was he alone in his varsity and new big world he was also in whole different city 1000 kilometers away from us. Oh no, learning to let go was not easy! A whole year later and I am still struggling.

This year it’s a whole new experience, I had to leave my youngest baby at varsity. Thankfully he has not moved away, he is right here at home, but the experience was just has hard and difficult for me.

This is the baby of the family and I can’t hold on to him a little longer because he’s just as grown up and ready for his next challenge in life and to enter a whole new world.

When I drove off on Friday I felt like I had abandoned a helpless small lost child in the world of the unknown.

Tigs

I know I sound crazy and a bit neurotic. But he looked like little Nemo all alone in the ocean. Before he got out of the car he told me his tummy was sore, and I knew he was nervous.

As I drove off I cried because I had reached another time in life when I realized just how grown up my baby is. I have to let go of this one too. It’s his turn to get out there and experience the world of a young adult. All I could think of was “how am I going to protect him from those sharks out there?”

And I feel a bit like Marlin looking around furiously for the safety of my child. When the boys were little it was mayhem running around from school to swimming, karate and other socials. Cleaning up mess, keeping boys busy, late nights doing homework and emergency trips to the doctor. I thought it would never end. Those changes and years seem so slow sometimes. Now I can hardly look at a photo of them when they were little and not feel like crying.

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My little Nemo is on his own journey, and I am on mine.

I can’t participate like I used to, now I’m just a loving bystander.

My nest is almost empty, where have the years gone? My child has a newfound independence, he’s reached a new chapter a whole new book in his life.

Keep swimming my little Nemo. I am profoundly proud of you. You were born in a great year – 1994 – and you are destined for extraordinary greatness!

Love mom

xoxxo